Meet Bella! A Rollercoaster Journey & Lessons Learnt…

For those who may not know me, my name is Bella and I am nearly 21 years old. This post is mostly to do with the past 3 years of my life. Sharing it with everyone right now is one of the scariest things I have ever done, but somehow I think it will feel like one of the best things I have ever done.

For those who don’t know me personally, the last 12-18 months of my life hasn’t been the easiest of roads. I have always been the type of person who doesn’t usually like talking about my feelings, let alone showing them if they are anything that people might question or worry about. I would much rather pack them down nice and deep and pretend they don’t exist.

 

 

Growing up I had always been a bit bigger than other girls, nothing extreme but it was something I had always noticed, and was something that bothered me. After finishing year 12 (end of 2013) I sort of said to myself, ‘You know what, I’m sick of looking like I do, I’m going to get super fit and lose some weight’. And that’s exactly what I did. I trained hard, really hard, twice a day, sometimes more. I changed to a super clean strict diet, and I ended up losing around 22 kilos in 8ish months. I was super fit and super lean. But even though I liked this new body SO much better than how it looked before, I still picked out flaws and never really gave myself any credit.

 

 

To lose that amount of weight in that timeframe I guess was a lot, and my body was a little bit shocked at first, like my face was thin and my body fat was pretty low. So towards the end of the year it became a bit more comfortable sort of evened out; which scared the hell out of me. I saw it as going back to the old me and I was so scared of all my hard work and dedication going out the window. I was so scared people of people thinking I was a failure, or thinking less of me. This was when things started to go a bit downhill.

I became so obsessed with everything to do with my body, the food, the exercise, it all. Soon enough everything I was doing was coming from a place of fear. This constant fear based and negative mentality became extremely toxic for body and mind. One thing I have only realised recently is that you manifest your mindset. At this point that was certainly my case, and my world was soon ruled by irrationality, anxiety, depression, insomnia, weight gain, unhealthy behaviours and the worst part – was I was losing touch with my friends, family and most significantly myself. I never wanted to give up but I just couldn’t seem to get myself out of this damaging spiral. And being the super stubborn person I am, I didn’t want any help. I still thought I could get myself out of this mess on my own that I had managed to get myself into. This is when I came across some books that changed my way of thinking.

 

These books taught me a few things.

  1. Mentioned above, that you manifest your thoughts.
  2. I was letting my inner ‘mean girl’ control my thoughts.
  3. I was doing everything out of fear instead of out of love.
  4. I wasn’t practicing any form out self-love (I don’t think I even knew what that phrase meant)

 

After learning these new lessons, I had a new hope that I could climb out of this mess on my own. Even though here I now understood what, why and how this was happening to me. I failed again and fell even further.

 

Today, I know three more things.

  1. Its ok to admit you need help (good work bel).
  2. No amount of determination can out muscle a chemical imbalance in your brain.
  3. Having a healthy mind is just as, if not more important than a healthy body.

 

Soon, slowly but surely my started to function more rationally again. I began to teach myself how to choose things from a place of love. Practicing to be kind to myself. Choosing to do things because they make me feel good. I began to love myself.

 

I had to teach myself, and really believe that everything that has happened, that is happening and that will happen is perfect. Because everything happens for a reason, and that life is only following its divine plan.

 

So here we are today. And I am getting there, slowly, but that’s ok. I still have a fair way to go, and that’s alright too because I am patient and I trust the process. I know everything is going to be ok again. I am regaining control. I’m choosing love over fear. I’m feeling myself again. Each day I am feeling a little bit better than the day before.

 

Today I can stand in front of the mirror without breaking down in tears. I’m not saying that I am satisfied with exactly how I look at the moment, and comfortable with every part of my body. Because I’m not.

But what I am saying is that I can tell myself ‘that I am going to love you unconditionally, no matter what you look like’.

 

And by the way it’s ok to want to work towards being the BEST possible version of yourself, I think that’s awesome.

 

I will continue to keep working hard every single day. Because I love how getting back to that super fit, strong, healthy and HAPPY version of myself makes me feel. Because I love the way that nourishing my body makes me feel. Because I love the way that moving my body makes me feel. Because healthy food makes me feel vital. Because running makes me feel energetic. Because I feel like a bad ass when I smash a boxing session. Because I feel happy when I smile. Because I promise to love myself, always.

 

Because in one-week time it will be my 21st birthday. And I don’t want to miss out on anymore of the best years of my life.

 

I hope by sharing this it has a positive effect on at least one person. If you’re one of my friends maybe this helps you understand a bit more about the last little while. Or maybe someone might relate to parts, and know that they are not the only one feeling that way. Or even if it is a small as someone being able to recognise that they are choosing to do something out of love, not out of fear.

For those who may not know me, my name is Bella and I am nearly 21 years old. This post is mostly to do with the past 3 years of my life. Sharing it with everyone right now is one of the scariest things I have ever done, but somehow I think it will feel like one of the best things I have ever done.

 

For those who don’t know me personally, the last 12-18 months of my life hasn’t been the easiest of roads. I have always been the type of person who doesn’t usually like talking about my feelings, let alone showing them if they are anything that people might question or worry about. I would much rather pack them down nice and deep and pretend they don’t exist.

 

Growing up I had always been a bit bigger than other girls, nothing extreme but it was something I had always noticed, and was something that bothered me. After finishing year 12 (end of 2013) I sort of said to myself, ‘You know what, I’m sick of looking like I do, I’m going to get super fit and lose some weight’. And that’s exactly what I did. I trained hard, really hard, twice a day, sometimes more. I changed to a super clean strict diet, and I ended up losing around 22 kilos in 8ish months. I was super fit and super lean. But even though I liked this new body SO much better than how it looked before, I still picked out flaws and never really gave myself any credit.

 

To lose that amount of weight in that timeframe I guess was a lot, and my body was a little bit shocked at first, like my face was thin and my body fat was pretty low. So towards the end of the year it became a bit more comfortable sort of evened out; which scared the hell out of me. I saw it as going back to the old me and I was so scared of all my hard work and dedication going out the window. I was so scared people of people thinking I was a failure, or thinking less of me. This was when things started to go a bit downhill.

I became so obsessed with everything to do with my body, the food, the exercise, it all. Soon enough everything I was doing was coming from a place of fear. This constant fear based and negative mentality became extremely toxic for body and mind. One thing I have only realised recently is that you manifest your mindset. At this point that was certainly my case, and my world was soon ruled by irrationality, anxiety, depression, insomnia, weight gain, unhealthy behaviours and the worst part – was I was losing touch with my friends, family and most significantly myself. I never wanted to give up but I just couldn’t seem to get myself out of this damaging spiral. And being the super stubborn person I am, I didn’t want any help. I still thought I could get myself out of this mess on my own that I had managed to get myself into. This is when I came across some books that changed my way of thinking.

 

These books taught me a few things.

  1. Mentioned above, that you manifest your thoughts.
  2. I was letting my inner ‘mean girl’ control my thoughts.
  3. I was doing everything out fear instead of out of love.
  4. I wasn’t practicing any form out self-love (I don’t think I even knew what that phrase meant)

 

After learning these new lessons, I had a new hope that I could climb out of this mess on my own. Even though here I now understood what, why and how this was happening to me. I failed again and fell even further.

 

Today, I know three more things.

  1. Its ok to admit you need help (good work bel).
  2. No amount of determination can out muscle a chemical imbalance in your brain.
  3. Having a healthy mind is just as, if not more important than a healthy body.

 

Soon, slowly but surely my started to function more rationally again. I began to teach myself how to choose things from a place of love. Practicing to be kind to myself. Choosing to do things because they make me feel good. I began to love myself.

 

I had to teach myself, and really believe that everything that has happened, that is happening and that will happen is perfect. Because everything happens for a reason, and that life is only following its divine plan.

 

So here we are today. And I am getting there, slowly, but that’s ok. I still have a fair way to go, and that’s alright too because I am patient and I trust the process. I know everything is going to be ok again. I am regaining control. I’m choosing love over fear. I’m feeling myself again. Each day I am feeling a little bit better than the day before.

 

Today I can stand in front of the mirror without breaking down in tears. I’m not saying that I am satisfied with exactly how I look at the moment, and comfortable with every part of my body. Because I’m not.

But what I am saying is that I can tell myself ‘that I am going to love you unconditionally, no matter what you look like’.

 

And by the way it’s ok to want to work towards being the BEST possible version of yourself, I think that’s awesome.

 

I will continue to keep working hard every single day. Because I love how getting back to that super fit, strong, healthy and HAPPY version of myself makes me feel. Because I love the way that nourishing my body makes me feel. Because I love the way that moving my body makes me feel. Because healthy food makes me feel vital. Because running makes me feel energetic. Because I feel like a bad ass when I smash a boxing session. Because I feel happy when I smile. Because I promise to love myself, always.

 

Because in one-week time it will be my 21 birthday. And I don’t want to miss out on anymore of the best years of my life.

 

I hope by sharing this it has a positive effect on at least one person. If you’re one of my friends maybe this helps you understand a bit more about the last little while. Or maybe someone might relate to parts, and know that they are not the only one feeling that way. Or even if it is a small as someone being able to recognise that they are choosing to do something out of love, not out of fear.

 

Belinda Carusi Fitness Hub is a Womens Only Bootcamp, Group Fitness and Personal Training provider operating out of Kilsyth Victoria. Belinda Carusi Fitness Hub Kilsyth services all suburbs, not limited to Bootcamp Croydon, Bootcamp Kilsyth, Bootcamp Montrose, Bootcamp Lilydale, Bootcamp Mount Evelyn, Bootcamp Bayswater, Bootcamp Boronia, Bootcamp Heathmont, Bootcamp Ringwood, Bootcamp Chirnside Park and Bootcamp Mooroolbark.